Lessons from the Sidelines

In our current stage in life, Ordell has committed to bringing our sons away each summer for a few days of adventure. When we were working with college teams the time away was more about reconnecting and establishing a solid line of communication before players reported.

Now, this time away happens during the one-week mid-summer when football isn’t happening, making the time away more about uninterrupted time together than anything else.

I would be remiss to ignore the fact that with all my guys away I’m the one who actually gets the vacation during this family tradition, but with a commitment to “make memories” I think all four of us agree the annual guys weekend is one of our favorite family traditions.

Here’s Why an Annual Guys Weekend is Important for our Family

Football takes a back seat while the guys are camping. Ordell does a great job each year of researching a place that is kid-friendly and also has hiking trails with rocks so our boys can take as many climbing breaks as they want.

With hiking, star gazing, fishing, campfires and plenty of rock climbing to keep everyone busy my crew comes home dirty, exhausted, and smiling from fun memories. They’ve also had a few days break from most screens and internet, so they are re-focused as well.

These Annual Guys Weekends 

• Create space for long conversations
• Create memories between brothers and father and sons
• Create an opportunity for uninterrupted talks
• Provide an outlet for adventure
• Are football free spaces
• All for rejuvenation

As our boys have gotten older, these trips have included age-appropriate conversations about their stage of life as well as vision casting. As a coach’s wife, I’ve watched my husband pour into hundreds of boys through our almost two decades together. It isn’t a surprise to me that he takes his responsibility with our sons seriously, but the intentionality is something I believe our boys will appreciate more in a few years than they do as they look around their campsite each year for an escape. 😉

How I Take Advantage of Guys Weekend

As soon as my men are out the door, I begin an extended self-care routine. This year I saved one of those giant bath bombs for my days of solitude. Since I can have girl time with lunches or coffee anytime, I try to use my days for things I like to do around the house without interruption.

I may head out for a pedicure and extended workouts, but mostly I eat salads and my favorite almond milk ice cream (it’s called balance people!) pop on chick flicks and rest.

This year I had a pedicure scheduled but ended up skipping it in exchange for more solitude. I also blocked out some uninterrupted writing time. For some reason, my thoughts are clearer in an empty house these days, and I didn’t want to let the opportunity slip away. I always spend some time working, that’s unavoidable, but since I’m on my timeline, I find that I wrap up my independent weekends feeling I’ve been productive both personally and professionally.

One year I spent a significant part of the time getting spots out of the carpets in our rental house. Since that meant a lot of applying cleaning solution and waiting it was perfect. Other times I’ve purged the house in prep for garage sales or moves.

These annual guys weekend adventures are a perfect way for me to seize time for myself and for my three men to connect in a way only guys can. I’m so thankful for a husband who understands the value of time outside of football and for his intentionality with our sons. He serves us well and the memories built over these annual trips are part of the proof!

While our summers are never exactly the same I’ve tried to prioritize a few things. One of the benefits of building summer memories is that they have helped to ease the boys into the football season.

A college summer for our family has provided a more flexible schedule than our current summers.  High school football includes weeks of practice. Our season essentially began this week and with the exception of a few days off here or there we will wrap up football in November.

This extended focus on the season has increased the importance of a family getaway and this year we headed to Wisconsin Dells for a great time of waterpark fun. We were able to enjoy time with cousins, time as a family of four, and time as a couple.

We laughed, we stayed up late, we tried new things and most importantly we created new memories. Mostly, we didn’t talk about football except when we ran into an incoming Freshman who’s dad had to say hello while we were eating at a restaurant…but that’s actually normal for us too.

I have come to believe that one of the best things we can do to help our boys foster a love for the football life is to create amazing memories that have nothing to do with football. There is no doubt football is a calendar priority and a family affair, but it doesn’t have to be the ONLY important memory our family holds.

Adjusting Back to Life

Interestingly, the day after we arrived back from vacation was busier than normal with a full work day, dentist appointment, kick-off of Bible study and of course the need to grocery shop. While we were away I finished Chrysal Stine’s book Holy Hustle. Her encouragement to reflect on my calendar and to reflect on a life where we embrace the work we’ve been given while finding our worth in God alone had an interesting effect on me.

Pre-season is usually the time of year where I become super organized and try to think several steps ahead in every calendar area I can find. Instead, I found myself unwilling to step back into the hustle. Even with a pressured expectation from a family member outside our house expressed an urgency about a matter that wasn’t really urgent I sidestepped the usual instinct to jump on the bandwagon of doing things according to other’s timelines.

I’m thankful for a vacation to realign my perspective and reaffirm desire to find work/life balance this year.

Holy Hustle Book Review

What I loved most about Holy Hustle is how relatable Crystal Stine is. Her transparency and vulnerability allowed for me to see how my life journey has run parallel to hers and even times I’ve caught myself in the same cycles of running the race (or hustle) the world sees as necessary.

I’ve spent the majority of my life since college seeking to position myself to fully understand and live God’s calling for my life. Holy Hustle was perfectly timed as a reminder that our yeses and nos are important both in work and life.

Crystal does a beautiful job of tying in what scripture says about work and life balance. In this year of striving to simplify life Holy Hustle was the perfect mid-year affirmation I needed.

One thing I’ve heard from bloggers and podcasters often is that we shouldn’t assume people tell their whole stories on social media especially if they present the illusion that they have their lives completely organized and running smoothly. Jamie Ivey often says when she’s home she is 100% home and when she travels she is 100% focused on work. While that is a great suggestion, when your family, home, and office all overlap 100% of the time it is necessary to develop different work/life balance strategies.

Earlier this month I featured the pros and cons of working remotely. While nine months out of the year my days are divided into sections where my guys are at work and school and when they are home, summer is coming and that means football practices will begin and the kids will not have a regular weekly schedule. While there are times within each month that I find myself working to meet a deadline and ignoring other things that require attention, I have found that with a little preparation and a good amount of discipline work/life balance is achievable most days.

Here are my remote working work/life balance strategies:

Meal Planning and Prep

While summer is easier, most of the year dinner execution falls to me. Even if a meal is completed by someone else I’m still the one to make sure all the ingredients are available. You can read about my meal prep process once a menu is planned here. 

Notice that I have a list of things to keep on hand. With growing boys appetites vary. I build in 1-2 leftover days with each weekly menu, but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. It’s easier to have some meals to quickly throw together than to have to run to the grocery store.

Every week I ask if there are meal requests and browse what we have in the house that will work together to create meals. I check the calendars I’ve built in Plan to Eat and compare my plan with previous weeks and then I write out the menu for everyone to see.

Plan to Eat is my go-to recipe database and meal planner. It stores all my recipes, syncs well with Pinterest and allows me to build menus as far out as I choose. There’s also a tab to help figure out what items I need to add to my grocery list. You can use my affiliate link if you are interested in Plan to Eat. Plans start at $4.95 for a month. My favorite part is that Plan to Eat allows you to “always export all of your recipes, even after your subscription has expired.”

My last meal strategy is to include my guys in the planning and cooking of meals. In the summer each guy has a night where they are in charge of the whole meal from planning to prep and clean up. Through the school year, I’ll often have them help me put together a side dish or make pancakes on the weekends.

I’m keeping meals healthy, reasonably priced and simple by:

• Planning ahead
• Prepping ahead on the weekend
• Writing out the menu so everyone knows what to expect
• Utilizing grocery services to stay on track with my list and budget
• Including the whole family in the process.

Prioritizing Health

The best way I can keep work/life balance is by prioritizing my health. This includes regular exercise, eating healthy, making sure to limit caffeine and sweets, and incorporating vitamins and essential oils into my daily routine.

My strategy is to put my workout clothes on first thing. Whether that means I’m heading out to workout first thing in the morning or later in the afternoon I wear my workout clothes until I have completed exercise for the day. Sometimes this means I head out for a quick walk followed by some planks as the day gets away from me, but by having my clothes on I’m able to throw on my gym shoes and go whenever the time allows.

Cleaning Through the Week

I take advantage of the fact that I’m home and I take short breaks through the day to keep up on chores. This does make the weekdays a little fuller, but in reality, I’m spending less than 15 minutes most days cleaning while at the same time saving myself a few hours of time on the weekend.

Google Apps

Family Calendar

We have a shared Google Calendar for the family. This includes all activities going on including all practices, special events, doctor appointments and anything else that’s going on. Once a week when the boys bring home their school communications we make sure the calendar is up-to-date.

Google Keep

This app may be my favorite Google app. Shared lists allow for Ordell to add groceries to my running list without having to tell me. When he remembers he needs protein powder and I’m not around he can just add it to the list.

Google Keep allows for several lists to build at the same time and you can add alarm reminders as well. We have lists for library books and movies we want to see, doTerra oils we need to reorder, and tasks that need to be completed such as take the kids for haircuts. This app syncs with Google Drive, so you can access it even when your phone is in the other room.

Google Drive

We’ve finally found the perfect way to make sure all the papers and receipts and documents are not lost and aren’t stored in email boxes. Google Drive has become organized storage for tax documents, emails with information needed in the future, budget tracking, and photos. Using these steps I’ve been able to send emails and documents to Google Drive without having to print and store things. Since the drive folders are shared I also don’t have to remember where everything is!

Digital Intentionality

Laptop

The final work strategy I’ve adopted is the habit of closing my laptop and placing it across the room by a certain time each day. The time of day varies because I don’t work a steady 9-5, but each day once it’s closed I’m done for the day. If I remember there is something I need to do the next day I add it to my Google Keep list and deal with it the next day.

Phone

I’ve also set phone notifications for email and Slack to turn off at a certain point eliminating the temptation to answer the email that comes in late.

I’m a big fan of scheduling texts. When I remember at 6 am that I wanted to try to have lunch with a girlfriend this week I’ll schedule a text to go out later that morning. They will respond when they can, but I don’t need to continue to try to remember to send a text, and I don’t send something at a crazy time of the day.

Voxer is another app that helps me stay connected with both work and life. Sending a quick voice message helps me feel more connected to certain people.

Accountability

This year I’ve utilized Powersheets and it has been a great option to track short and long-term goals. The pages are well structured with check-in points and specific questions to think beyond the surface of life.

I also meet bi-weekly with a partner. We discuss where we are with goals and offer insights and encouragements to each other.

Embracing working from home has included accepting that my days still need to start at between  6-6:30 am through the week to make sure I have time to exercise and spend time with God, but without the strategies I’ve highlighted today I’d be starting at 5 am. I know because I’ve learned the need for strategies the hard way.

Ultimately, we all need to find the things that work for us. I’ve found that my family thrives on structure whether they realize it or not. Additionally, once something is implemented adjusting hasn’t been hard.

When our middle schooler entered his new school at the beginning of the fourth quarter last year we did a quick tour of the building before he entered his first class. Every person we encountered received the same information. “This is our new coach’s son.” And with that tiny sentence my son lost his chance for anonymity.

He knew after the first week he wasn’t going to avoid the standard questions:

• How’s the team looking?
• Do you think we will win more games next year?
• How do you like living here?

And to his credit, our son answered each to the best of his ability with a smile and little information offered.

A few weeks later his counselor called to update me on his adjustment. She commented on how polite he is and how he seems to be settling in. I was glad her feedback from teachers was positive, but settling in well was not real life at that time. Those emotions were reserved for the time at home.

While some might wonder if it was wise to keep the challenges of adjusting to yet another new school from the counselor, I knew that her function was to focus on class schedules and behavior. I also knew that nothing she would say would quicken the pace of mourning the loss of friends and having to start over again.

A Higher Standard

Tim Elmore recently posted an article titled The New Unwritten Rule for Parents That Hurt’s Everyone. Tim is an authority on Generations Y and Z and his findings are always evidence-based.

His point is that we are harming our children by simply giving them everything they want and setting them up for future failure.

Coach’s Kids

I wasn’t surprised by Elmore’s findings, but I am always grateful when information like this is put into writing. Our kids will never be afforded the opportunity to receive everything they want even if we wanted to give it to them we can’t.

We Won’t Live Separately

Giving our sons everything they want would have meant living in two separate states or leaving our children in someone else’s hands to raise. We dealt with the same emotions with each of our last two moves.

Keeping our family unit together knits us closer together, it models for our sons how we support each other in marriage, and it opens new opportunities for them to grow and mature as well. By not giving our kids what they want, we give them what they actually need.

Kids Change Their Minds

Eventually, our kids have realized their immediate desires were not as great as the change they didn’t want to face. This has been true with moving, trying new classes and activities as well as new routines.

Kids don’t know what they want longterm, and it’s ok to hold them to a higher expectation of embracing what you are asking of them first.

We Can’t Afford It

Coaching at the D3 and NAIA level doesn’t pay well. Additionally, moving is expensive even when the school is footing part of the bill.

If They Want It Bad Enough They Will Buy It

While we may not give our kids everything they want, we do provide opportunities for them to purchase things themselves. It’s not surprising though, that amazing souvenir they “need” isn’t as appealing when their own money is involved.

Gratitude Is Vital

We want our kids to be thankful for the gives they do receive. The best way for this to happen is for them to have an awareness of the sacrifices and work it takes for gifts to be given

Obedience is Necessary

Part of our life in coaching includes understanding God places us in towns where he has called us to serve. How we serve will look different at times, but the call is still the same. Bloom where you are planted by investing.

Obedience is a character trait that develops with time and practice. It is one that all humans share a common dislike and rebellious spirit for in some areas of our lives. But obedience is an expectation of God. We will help our children best when we model obedience for them and expect them to live obediently as well.

Say Yes When You Can

Saying no to every “I want” doesn’t mean your children never get to do anything they desire. Say yes when you can. Say yes when they don’t expect it.  Say yes and then lavish more than the yes request called for and do it generously. It’s not always about the no. But it is about the why behind the yes or no.

Doing This Publically

While it may be a great example of drawing the short stick, it’s likely your children will live part of their lives in a fishbowl. They will have unwritten expectations on their lives and it won’t feel fair, but it’s also unavoidable.

By setting the standards sooner rather than later we set our children up for success even in the public’s watchful eye. But there is another side to this. If our kids can’t express themselves in public in all situations they must feel safe to do so in their own home.

Let them mourn losing friends and being the new kid. Let them complain about missing out on something and listen to them as they process their emotions. Help them to see when you’re hurting as well.

A higher standard of living isn’t an awful calling. It is a harder path. But as with most things, the hardest paths are often the most fruitful. Be brave Mama! You’ve got this. It’s ok to say no even when you know a short-term yes will feel good now. It will make the yeses so much more delightful!

Christianity Today’s article Rural Fish Bowl Pastor Dad needs to be just Dad is a well written, honest reflection on the unspoken expectations a pastor’s family encounters in many towns across the US.

Here’s a preview:

“As a young 20-something youth pastor, I went to the Assisted Living Center to have coffee and lead a Bible study. Sure enough, I would be in the news. I thought it was cool because I was meeting the expectations of the community and they all knew it.

Unfortunately, it did not occur to me that those expectations would be placed on my wife and my children. It has been a harsh reality-check and weight that I hate they have to bear. It seems like it’s magnified in a small town.” (emphasis mine)

My Small Town Experience:

I grew up in the Chicago suburbs adjacent to a small college. In fact, within 20 miles of my childhood home, there are three small colleges. I also attended a small college on in the Northern Suburbs of Chicago.

Even with all my familiarity to small colleges, when we moved to a small farming community where the main employers were the small private college, federal prison, and school district I was not well equipped to handle life in a fishbowl.

Life in a fishbowl is not unique to pastors and their families, although I believe they feel it intensely because of how churches are small communities of their own, it’s likely that a coaching family will experience many of the same stresses if they are a part of a small college in a small town.

Here’s What Worked For Me:

Get out of town regularly

One of the first words our oldest child learned to say was “Kanera” (Panera). Another was “apple,” and you guessed it, a third was  “bagel.” When I just couldn’t handle the fishbowl for a minute longer, I packed up the kid and headed out for lunch a few towns away. We would sit outside at Panera and eat bagels and apples, and for a little while no one would interrupt us or ask how recruiting was going or if we were going to win that weekend. It was glorious.

Another example from that time is that another coach’s wife and I established a ritual. We left the kids with our husbands and drove 30 minutes to a neighboring town for a great meal, pedicures, a little shopping and a LOT of talking. We did this every 4-6 weeks, and it was absolutely life-giving.

Foster friendships outside the community

After several years in the fishbowl, we realized that the healthiest thing we could do for our family was to find a church where we could worship separately from same people we worked with and shopped with and saw every other minute of every other day. That church provided the first safe small group for us in years. We were able to be ourselves and feel supported in hard life situations without concern any confidence shared would soon be sent around town.

While chatting on the phone isn’t nearly as personal as heading to the local coffee shop, when life handed us lemons the safest people to talk to were those away from us. While that isn’t always the case, it’s important to remember that in small towns people often have long histories that are connected in many overlapping layers.

Even if they want to support you as a friend, they may feel pressure to stay neutral to preserve relationships. Remember, when you move they will still be in relationships with those other people. Protect their future dealings by allowing your friends to stay unaware of any conflicts you encounter.

Don’t feel pressure to overshare

True friendships aren’t single-sided. Share what you can so that your tribe knows you authentically value them.

Brene Brown said it best:

“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.”

In a small town, people naturally know a lot about each other. As the outsider coming in, there is insecurity and curiosity because the same familiarity isn’t present. That’s ok! Your new community will learn about you as time goes on when they have earned the right to learn things.

You may encounter odd questions such as:

• Who’s house do you live in?
• Do your children have the same father?
• Are you related to so and so?
• Who in town are you related to?
• Why are you here?
• How long are you staying?

These are not questions you need to answer until you are ready. And frankly, they aren’t questions you ever need to answer in most cases because people will find out the answers themselves when curious enough.

Be the best version of who you are in public whenever possible

I always remind my kids that wherever we are, whether we think it’s fair or not, we represent Dad. We have public statements that are ok to say and things we only say in our own home.

In a small town, I couldn’t get away with running to the store without makeup on because it would mean 10 people would stop me to ask if I was sick and then later I would hear from someone else they heard I was sick the other day. Which this is a mild example, please know that not all observations are so silly.

Be wise about who you allow access to you through social media

If you aren’t going to keep your opinions off social media, it’s wise to make sure that you have a tight filter on which friend requests you send and accept. Screenshots can be sent easily, and let me tell you, in my experience fishbowls hold long grudges.

I found that social media was an easy way for people in the community to “keep tabs” on each other. I also learned that this was something many found to be a natural extension of small-town life where “everyone knows everything about each other anyway”.

The problem was that it was also the most common way to unknowingly offend someone. It was easier to stay neutral with most people by just limiting social.

Be Aware, But Embrace It

It took me a few years to embrace the reality of where we were living. Once I did I realized I had wasted a lot of time in denial when I could have been having fun.

While living in a fishbowl was not always easy, I know our years in that small community helped shape me into the person I am today. I also developed dear friendships that I deeply value to this day. My kids experienced small-town life, and it has helped them to be grateful for all they are surrounded by now instead of taking it for granted.

One of the best parts of the coaching life is the opportunity to experience and learn from people in different parts of the country. Eventually, through a good amount of trial and error, I found people who have similar thoughts and beliefs to mine but I also learned from a lot of people who have very different ideas than mine. That small town experience expanded my worldview and solidified many of my beliefs in God.

Small colleges are in small towns across the country, and in many, there are conflicts between “townies” and “college-folk”. Either way you are in a fishbowl, so enjoy both experiences while they last. As you know with coaching the likelyhood of staying forever is pretty slim.