Words can unintentionally tear a heart into two. For me, those words involved hearing other friends celebrate selling their homes. Two years into the process of trying to sell a house we had left behind for my husband’s job change, and I was in the process of evicting one renter and working out an agreement with a new one instead of negotiating a sale. This alone wasn’t defeating, but coupled with three calls from friends wanting to celebrate the victory of selling their homes had brought me to a dark place.
There was no end in sight to the merry-go-round of financial surprises, which were stressful because we were balancing a mortgage in one state and rent plus living expenses in another. Days turned into weeks, months, and then years of silence surrounding one specific prayer: Could we sell our house?
In her online study Be Still and Know, Rebekah Lyons says “You cannot see the unknown until you release the known . . . When we choose to trust God and rest in His timing and power, we find our peace and strength.” She goes on to say, “Being still gives us a chance to regroup and firmly fix our hearts, minds, and paths to God alone.”
For two years peace and strength were not in my vocabulary. I held my breath each month as the fifth passed without our renter paying. I pleaded for God to make this the month I didn’t have to chase down money. It felt like an extra punishment to have to ask for our rental agreement to be honored in addition to paying a mortgage on a house we no longer inhabited.
I fully believed God had the power to move to sell our house any day, but that belief became twisted into the thought that although God could move, he might be choosing not to because he desired to see our family suffer. This thought became a catalyst leading me to the lie that God was not for me.
Romans 8:31 says, “What then shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” While many use this verse to bolster their courage, for me this verse was terrifying. With God against me, who would be for me?